Support & Healing

I lost my love, Amanda on 14th November 25.

Amanda’s daughter was killed by her partner who then ended his own life, january 2022.

Amanda turned to alcohol and never recovered. I tried so hard to help her but she went through cycles of drinking, and ending up in hospital, and then not drinking for a few weeks or even months, then drinking again. Hiding Vodka around the house, and lying about it. I loved her anyway, but gradually the lying picked at me.

In April 2025 we had a massive argument, and she ended up moving out, but less than 2 weeks later and we started to rebuild, she came home every weekend and some days in the week, but never quite moved back in. I asked her to once, she asked me to once, but the drinking and lying cycle seemed to just stop us from taking that last step.

I asked her sooo many times to get help, I contacted a local alcohol recovery centre and told them I was afraid for her life, and all they said was they couldnt do anything unless Amanda asked for help

Once i called an ambulance because she wasnt answering and they broke down the door and took her to hospital where she spent about a month.

On 13th November I went to her flat, but she wouldnt let me in because she had ( sorry) really bad diarohea and didnt want to give me a tummy bug. the next day she wasn’t answering her phone so I went over again and i found her behind her door.

The coroner said the cause of death was heart disease, but now looking back im sure she had gone "cold turkey" which is really dangerous, and i just didnt put 2 and 2 together on the day,

If I had brought her home, or realized how ill she was I could have saved her but now she is gone, and my world has fallen apart, I love her with all my heart I should have been there for her no matter what, but I let her down and she is gone

This is the 10th week, and i still feel exactly same, I still cry almost constantly wishing i could go back and we could have done things differently. the world is empty with out Amanda in it.

every day feels harder, every morning I wake up and Amanda isnt here its like i have lost her again.

I cant even move her jumper off the radiator when she left it or her slippers off the stairs where she left them.

I dont want to be here, I think the only thing keeping me here is the thought of putting my kids through the pain I am feeling, and our dog, his mummy(Amanda called me daddy and her mummy to the dog and I guess it has stuck) has disappeared and he follows me around like a shadow now