Understanding the Stages of Grief...Beyond the Myths

Grief is often described as a journey, one that’s deeply personal, unpredictable, and different for everyone. Yet for decades, society has tried to fit this experience into neat boxes called “the stages of grief.” You may have heard of them: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

While these stages were originally meant to help people understand the emotional process of dying, over time they’ve been misunderstood as a universal roadmap for anyone grieving a loss. But real grief doesn’t follow a checklist and it’s time we move beyond the myths.

Where the “Stages” Came From

The concept of the five stages of grief originated from psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Interestingly, she developed this model to describe what terminally ill patients often experience after receiving a diagnosis, not what the bereaved go through after someone dies.

Later, people began applying the model to grief in general. While it offered a starting point for conversation, it unintentionally created an expectation that grief unfolds in a tidy, linear way.

The Myth of Orderly Grieving

One of the biggest misconceptions is that grief is orderly, that we start at denial and finish at acceptance, checking off stages as we go.

In reality, grief is much more like the ocean: sometimes calm, sometimes stormy, and constantly changing. You might feel acceptance one day and overwhelming sadness the next. You might skip a “stage” entirely or revisit one months or years later.

This doesn’t mean you’re doing grief wrong...it means you’re human.

Grief Is Not Linear, It’s Lived

Grief can show up in countless ways:

• Emotionally, as sadness, anger, relief, guilt, confusion, or even numbness.

• Physically, as exhaustion, aches, or changes in appetite and sleep.

• Mentally, as forgetfulness or difficulty concentrating.

• Spiritually, as questioning your beliefs or finding new meaning.

  
  

Everyone’s combination of these experiences is unique. Some days, you may feel like you’re healing. Other days, you may feel as if you’re back at square one. Healing isn’t a straight line, it’s a spiral and each loop brings new understanding.

Beyond the Stages: What Grief Really Looks Like

Instead of fixed “stages,” many grief experts today speak of themes, tasks, or waves. These models recognise that grief is not something you “get over” but something you integrate into your life.

Here are a few modern perspectives:

• Worden’s Tasks of Mourning: Accept the reality of the loss, process the pain, adjust to a world without your loved one, and find an enduring connection while moving forward.

• The Dual Process Model: Healthy grieving involves oscillating between facing the pain of loss and engaging with everyday life.

• Continuing Bonds Theory: Instead of letting go completely, many people find comfort in maintaining an ongoing inner connection with their loved one.

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These approaches affirm that love doesn’t disappear, it transforms.

Giving Yourself Permission to Grieve Your Way

There’s no “right” way to grieve. Some people cry often; others feel numb. Some throw themselves into work or creative projects; others withdraw. What matters most is giving yourself permission, to feel what you feel, at your own pace, in your own way.

Try not to compare your journey to anyone else’s. Even within the same family, grief can look different for each person.

Moving Forward with Compassion

Understanding grief beyond the stages frees us from unrealistic expectations. It allows space for complexity, for joy and sorrow to coexist, for moments of laughter amid tears, for growth alongside pain.

If you’re grieving, remember:

• You are not broken for feeling differently than others.

• Healing doesn’t mean forgetting.

• It’s okay to ask for help, from friends, therapists, or support communities like The Widowed Collective.

  
  

You don’t need to follow a map to find peace. Grief isn’t a journey toward “getting over”, it’s about learning to live with love and loss, side by side.