Community & Connection

on 1st August 2024 I lost my dear wife of 44 yrs to Oesophogeal cancer. She had been complaining about a pain in her back after we were clearing up after a party to mark my 70th birthday on June 29th. cutting along story short, she lost the ability to keep food down, started to struggle to walk and was constantly complaining about her back pain. The major red flag was when she declined to go to see our horses, and I knew at that point there was something very wrong. Eventually we got her into hospital and she was diagnosed on the Monday with the bad news. Now, my late father had had the same thing, and I knew what was coming , so in my small mind I was going to get her home, make some memories and make her as comfortable as I could. Unfortunately events overtook all those hopes and aspirations very quickly. She had a scan which was inconclusive, so the medical team decided to go for an endescopy and to place in a feeding tube. This was scheduled for the Thursday, and as if to compound things her mare was diagnosed with colic that morning. Fortunately the vet turned up very quickly and my good friend pitched up , wringing wet straight from her shower and took over so I could get the hospital. I needn't have rushed as Dawn didn't go down for the procedure until late afternoon and was back very quickly without said tube. When I asked about it, the answer was they didn't do it, and wouldn't tell me why. Next thing a team arrives with the bad news that the tumour is so big it is inoperable, and had spread, and the upshot was that they could only offer palliative care. After absorbing this news I had to leave her to attend to the horses, but went back in the evening with fresh clothes etc. By this time she was on a pumpdriver and was a little more settled, although she could not get comfy and was moving about a great deal. Eventually she finally dropped off to sleep and i kissed her goodnight and said 'see you tomorrow'. 1050pm the phone goes - and it is the hospital telling me she is unresponsive. I broke every speed limit to get there - but missed her passing by a miniscule few minutes. And so it began....

Everything since that day has been a series of firsts, the first Xmas, New Year, Birthday, anniversary and so many other things without her by my side. I read on here about the second bereavement factors, in the way that well meaning people slip away after a while as they thing you are coping- well outwardly I am ( maybe) but when that door shuts at night and you are facing the stark reality of that empty space- that's when it hits hardest.

nearly18 months on I have decided I must do something about things, so I have rejoined two choirs, I have become a 'litter champion', I still do my council duties, and am a trustee of our local community library, and a school governor. BUT and its a big but, I am still missing that connection. People are kind and try to understand, but until it happens to you, you have no conception f how you will deal with things.

I'm pleased to have found this site -it has given me considerable comfort, and I know that I'm not doing things wrong. i just have to find my place in it all again. My son obviously misses his Mum but he has his own life and although he keeps in touch by phone it isn't the same. Sometimes things just catch you unawares.

I have toyed with online dating sites but I don't know if I'm ready for that minefield - time will tell.

Sorry if its a long tale but writing it has been cathartic if somewhat painful too.