Growth & Moving Forward

Context: Forty years married and two years widowed.  Never used online dating.  Never really done “dating” in any shape or form ever.  Have protective daughters: we want you to be happy, but no one is replacing mum-nana (which means the grandchildren being kept distant from any “new woman”).  At one year in being a widower I was desperate for companionship and company. Not a good starting point for anything that desperation – especially seeking a meaningful relationship. And now at two years in and having chosen how to learn to live alone and be happy, content and at peace (and really am) – now “online dating” is out of curiosity and an alternative to “large group socialising” (which I find stressful). I have no desperation or need – just curiosity and a desire to connect with kindness.

Research: being sixty-eight years old I wasn’t even sure if anything out there was relevant.  E-Harmony comes back as one of the best and then Match (or in my case “Our Time”), also mentioned is Chapter2 as a good place for widow/ers.  I signed-up for four sites over 8 weeks: E-Harmony, Our Time, then Chapter2, and then Bubble (the ladies initiate the first conversation).

Reality: brutal and expensive! 

Everything is free until any interaction is offered: a like, a message, a view, etc. And without subscribing (paying good money) there is no “online dating” – just pixelated screens and the tease of “someone wants to talk to you” without seeing who.  So the expense begins – and then the brutal follows.

A like is irrelevant. A click and nothing more.  Even sending a like with a message usually results in nothing. So an expensive cross between “bored browsing” through an Argos catalogue/a pass the time computer game (is my initial experience from the ladies).  Dating seems not be the goal - browsing and clicking more so.

Then there is the “last online” and learning that anything over “the last month” means dormant – don’t even bother.  Also the “I will add nothing to my profile” profiles – because if you cannot invest even a few minutes of your time describing you and why, then I am not going to invest my time and self-esteem in you either. Then the “how old are these pictures?” profiles – some appear to be from decades ago (to anywhere in the last few years).  And the whole reliance on pictures “thing” …. It encourages the “are they pretty/handsome enough for me and my perception of my prettiness/handsome?” – it fosters the “Argos catalogue mindset” – causal browsing and would they look good on me?

Learning after two months: I was 26 years old when I got married, my wife was 18 years old. We had both had loads of different partners before finding each other  We lived our lives and met “people” some of who were fun to be with, a few who we got close to, and many we remember as someone from our past.

My point is this: I went into online dating with (what I later found to be) an “instant reward” head on my shoulders.  Computers and this modern world give us all an expectation of “instant” – instant messaging, instant emails, instant search results, instant everything.  And – without being aware of that and this – it’s what I also expected of online dating (I also expected human kindness and compassion – not very apparent in online dating).

Caution:  Especially on Match/Our Time there seem to be a lot of spoof/scam profiles – “you have a like” and almost immediately “the profile is no longer available – admins have removed it”.  Also watch out for Facebook advert pop-up dating sites: got caught with one that inundated me with (allegedly) loads of ladies from my very local area - except all were chatbots and not real people.

Going forwards: Change my mindset. Add “online dating” as a sideline activity. Don’t expect instant – make it part of living like a cup of coffee or the weekly shop.  Don’t expect compassion and kindness – but do hold onto being compassionate and kind.  Don’t write a “marketing profile” – just what I really am and are looking for.  At “sixty-eight” we all carry the scars and imperfection of living, the bumps and lumps of good eating, good loving and lots of fun times.  If you want a six-packed gym-bunny it’s not me (and if you are that six-packed gym-bunny lady, then I’m not sure I want you either).

Also, enjoy the passion of a connection - but consider how you will both fit into the “boring normal” – how your core values align or not – how your grandchildren and children will accept (or not) this person – how you will be accepted (or not) into their family – how your finances do or don’t work together (holidays and travel especially) – and whether you want to entwine each other in the “stuff” of property and resources (in my case, no thank you)  

Conclusion (for now):  I am happy living alone in my home. A companion would be lovely but not necessary.  The romancing is fun – but the practical side is more important.  The practical side is important – but that “spark” is necessary.  And – for me as a widower who now knows the enormity and value of love - I want to live in a world of love.  Firstly, my own world and being kind and compassionate to myself and others – and also (maybe) with another “partner” who thinks and lives/breathes the same/similar way.  The word I use for that togetherness of mind, heart and soul is “sympatico” – a fit at so many levels in and in so many ways.

Side note: From the few connections made already (none lasting) there are bunch of male weirdos out there!  I feel sorry for you ladies!  A new set of initials (google was needed to interpret in my case): FWB, ONS and the rest!  But there are also some lovely brilliant human beings out here.   I only see the female lovelies. In my “non-online life” I have seen others make a long-distance partnership work, others who want to marry, others who want to be friends.  We are all different!  😊

(and – sadly – I and finding Chapter2 very much “Argos catalogue mentality” so far)