Hi all, I lost my husband 2.5 years ago to cancer following a 7.5 year journey with the disease. He died suddenly and it was traumatic at the end. I’m still feeling a bit numb, a lot lost and totally lonely. We were together for almost 33 years and married just shy of 27 years.
People try to understand but they can’t really - not unless they’ve been through what we have. I’m hoping I can connect here with people who do get it and hopefully make some new friends if anyone is up for that!
195 Views
Hi Coral, first of all I’m very sorry for your loss. I think it’s even harder at festive times. The numbness and feeling alone in a crowd are very familiar feelings. While people mean well by their greetings and cheer, inside it feels like your loss is being ignored. I’ve tried to respond to that by mentioning something about my dear late wife, but it has tended to fall on stony ground with silent pauses because people don’t seem to know what to say. Even very sincere lifelong friends don’t know how to talk about it with you. You are quite right when you say that it’s only people who’ve been through that understand it.
I think sometimes loneliness becomes louder when people assume you are ‘getting over it’ or ‘coming to terms with it’ rather than asking how you feel and offering time to genuinely listen and care for how you are.
To share my own personal thoughts on this journey, I began to realise over time that there were two griefs when I lost my wife. The first and most immediate was the loss I felt for her life ending prematurely and how terribly emotionally torn I was for her own life being lost to her. The second (which co-existed with that) was the loss to me now being left all on my own in life. I think both griefs are still with me, but the first one is something I have slowly learned to live with more than the second over time. When the first one comes up I immediately direct myself to hope and pray that she’s in a better place that this world. That way I can remember her fondly, I may be a bit wistful but the love we had lives on that way in a special place forever in my heart joyfully for her. The second grief of facing life alone is more enduring. It has improved a lot but it still comes in waves like a tide coming in and out. When the waves come I am used to the signs a bit so I try to acknowledge how I feel (rather than try and get busy and hope to bury it) and that helps as a start. I than then look at myself more objectively and say ok what’s going to help me deal with this and then choose a way forward without ignoring it. Choosing that way forward might sometimes mean arranging to meet a friend or going to a social event where I’m interacting and teaching myself not to be alone. Other times it’s choosing a more reflective time, which for me is often walking in the countryside or lying on my exercise mat and letting my thoughts go and seeing what inspiration comes to lift me. I have lots of other boring examples, but I thought I’d just give you the abbreviated half day version….!
My wife died in April 2023 of cancer. She had lived with it for 3 years at home before she died while I was looking after her. We knew each other for 27 years and were married for 24 years. Your situation with your husband being ill with cancer for 7.5 years and then dying suddenly and traumatically is very similar to that of someone else I know. She’s on the same square on the board as you and I. We are friends through the common situation we find ourselves in and I do think by sharing with others it can be enlightening and help find means and ways which help you yourself. I have replied to you because of that and also with your wish to make new friends which I like to do as well.
Sorry for the length of this but I hope it’s at least supportive and has some things that might resonate with you. I would be interested in your thoughts?
Paul