My husband died in late October. He survived a heart attack in April, Afib diagnosis in May and a stroke in August. What killed him? An infection in his heart valve that medicine couldn't kill from "cat scratch fever". That doesn't usually kill a person, but it does when you've had a bad heart for 20 years. My daughter is an adult, but no help in my pain. She can't handle her own and told me months ago she can't be my person. So, I don't share much with her. She can't understand why I don't have the emotional energy 5 months later to babysit her children whenever she wants. I don't have any other family. I have a best friend, but nobody else other than my therapist colleagues who have really been helpful but I only see at work. I miss having a male companion, but in …
Community & Connection
Hello everyone,
I lost Amanda, my soul mate of 30 years and wife of 21 on Jan 02 2023. Happy new year! A phone call from the hospital to tell me she'd had a 2nd catastrophic brain hemorrhage overnight. It took a few more days for her to be clinically dead, she was mostly healthy and not unfit, her body did not want to shut down. But her wonderful, witty, highly educated, funny, clever, talented, humorous mind was gone.
The first hemorrhage was a few days earlier, she just popped up the shops less than a mile away like we each had a thousand times except this time she didn't come home. Ever.
I worked overseas at the time and first knew of it in the early hours of Dec 30th, a phone call from Bristol hospital critical care dept to tell me Amanda was with them and it was…
Hi again all,
Thank you for your kind words and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond. It took 3 years to talk publicly about this so maybe 27 days maybe isn't so bad?
Fi,
I'd like to meet up with your group, I hope I can.
Liz,
Thank you, I'm sorry to meet you in this particular forum.
And Paul,
Wow, the parallels are almost scary. I totally get what you mean, eat what you like when you like, stay up as late as you like. And yeah, things staying where I put them just isn't right. Money, etc. Unwelcome freedoms.
Julian
Hello everyone. I lost my wife of 33 years, Mandie, on 24th October 2023. To be honest, it did not come as a surprise; she was a Type-1 Diabetic and after 47 years, it finally caught up with her. She died, at home, in her sleep. I found her body, the next morning, still tucked in as I'd left her. That morning, our little cul-de-sac was full of vehicles including Police Cars, Paramedic Response vehicles, a 'Private' Ambulance and finally an Ambulance which was stood down on arrival. Obviously, the Coroner was involved and the following month was a blur of activity. The worst part of bereavement is that people , particularly 'friends' don't know how to react, so, afraid of saying 'The 'wrong' thing, say nothing at all. It's funny how people react isn't it? One of the kindest actions was from my neighbours, a young Iraqi family, whom we barely knew, who arranged a…
Life must go on Daniel. . . God bless us all.
Canadian Newbie
Hi all,
It's been 4.5 years since I lost my husband, after a very short cancer battle. I continue to struggle finding my way solo and look forward to seeing how the collective may assist me. Not a huge sharer of my feelings, so we shall see how this goes.
:)
No rush or even expectation here on sharing - take things at a pace you feel helps you -just know there is a community here who recognises and understands
Hello everyone,
This is my first message here, and it feels strange - but in a good way - to talk to people who will have an understanding of what I am going through. In my 'real' life, I have two colleagues who lost their partners around the same time as I did. Even though we only cross paths once in a while, the connection we have with each other when we do is not like I have with anyone else and feels valuable - they understand, whilst no one else really does, not even close family. So I am sure it might feel the same way here. From looking at some of the beautiful and thoughtful messages here, I am sure it will.
My wife Philippa (Phil) died on Christmas Day, 2024, at 49. This Christmas has been absolutely awful. I was dreading it, but what can you do…
Thank you both for those thoughts. I am sure you are both correct. I do try to hold the positive and beautiful memories from before Phil's last illness in the forefront of my mind - and there are so many of them, of course. She was such a wonderful human being. But I do find the horrors of the end intrude all the time still - so I very much like your idea of 'training yourself' immediately to think of those positives whenever they do, Paul. That is excellent advice and something I will be trying to do. Thank you again.
Luke
Hi all, I lost my husband 2.5 years ago to cancer following a 7.5 year journey with the disease. He died suddenly and it was traumatic at the end. I’m still feeling a bit numb, a lot lost and totally lonely. We were together for almost 33 years and married just shy of 27 years.
People try to understand but they can’t really - not unless they’ve been through what we have. I’m hoping I can connect here with people who do get it and hopefully make some new friends if anyone is up for that!
Hi Coral, first of all I’m very sorry for your loss. I think it’s even harder at festive times. The numbness and feeling alone in a crowd are very familiar feelings. While people mean well by their greetings and cheer, inside it feels like your loss is being ignored. I’ve tried to respond to that by mentioning something about my dear late wife, but it has tended to fall on stony ground with silent pauses because people don’t seem to know what to say. Even very sincere lifelong friends don’t know how to talk about it with you. You are quite right when you say that it’s only people who’ve been through that understand it.
I think sometimes loneliness becomes louder when people assume you are ‘getting over it’ or ‘coming to terms with it’ rather than asking how you feel and offering time to genuinely listen and care for how you are.
To share my own personal thoughts on this journey, I began to realise over time that there were two griefs when I lost my wife. The first and most immediate was the loss I felt for her life ending prematurely and how terribly emotionally torn I was for her own life being lost to her. The second (which co-existed with that) was the loss to me now being left all on my own in life. I think both griefs are still with me, but the first one is something I have slowly learned to live with more than the second over time. When the first one comes up I immediately direct myself to hope and pray that she’s in a better place that this world. That way I can remember her fondly, I may be a bit wistful but the love we had lives on that way in a special place forever in my heart joyfully for her. The second grief of facing life alone is more enduring. It has improved a lot but it still comes in waves like a tide coming in and out. When the waves come I am used to the signs a bit so I try to acknowledge how I feel (rather than try and get busy and hope to bury it) and that helps as a start. I than then look at myself more objectively and say ok what’s going to help me deal with this and then choose a way forward without ignoring it. Choosing that way forward might sometimes mean arranging to meet a friend or going to a social event where I’m interacting and teaching myself not to be alone. Other times it’s choosing a more reflective time, which for me is often walking in the countryside or lying on my exercise mat and letting my thoughts go and seeing what inspiration comes to lift me. I have lots of other boring examples, but I thought I’d just give you the abbreviated half day version….!
My wife died in April 2023 of cancer. She had lived with it for 3 years at home before she died while I was looking after her. We knew each other for 27 years and were married for 24 years. Your situation with your husband being ill with cancer for 7.5 years and then dying suddenly and traumatically is very similar to that of someone else I know. She’s on the same square on the board as you and I. We are friends through the common situation we find ourselves in and I do think by sharing with others it can be enlightening and help find means and ways which help you yourself. I have replied to you because of that and also with your wish to make new friends which I like to do as well.
Sorry for the length of this but I hope it’s at least supportive and has some things that might resonate with you. I would be interested in your thoughts?
Paul
Hi all, Newbie here
I lost my husband of 37 years whilst on holiday in the UK. He collapsed on 29th September, and passed away on 16th October 25. I just can't get my head around the events of the last few weeks...
Hi Paul, I have one son, he too is struggling with the loss of his Dad. I spend so much of my time alone, as my son works. It's just me and the dog. I live in a rural area, and my husband used to get me around. He used to do everything for me, and that makes it even worse. Due to an RTA when I was young, walking and standing is a real problem for me.
Hi, I’m Becky, I’m 58 and my hubby died suddenly in May this year. I live in Staffordshire.
Hi Becky, i am 60, live in Wales, lost husband of 35years 9 weeks ago, it wasn't sudden though, but still incredibly hard.How do you manage to fill your days?
I have been going into town, etc, though it is very hard on my own,
Introduction
:) I guess this site is truly brand new! No posts anywhere yet!
Hi, I'm Val from central Iowa.
My husband, Robb, passed in Feb of 2021, so 5 years coming up. My oldest son and his family live with me and I have the pleasure of experiencing the tantrums of my 2 year old granddaughter! As well as the love, hugs, kisses and new name of Gah. {She'll get there!) My 13 year old grandson lives here too and his tantrums are slightly different, more teenage-ish. sigh.
Thankfully, I can say, OOH! I need to be upstairs. Here are your kids!
I work as a telecommuting computer programmer and have for the last 20 years.
I have two daughters and they and their loves live close enough to have either coffee with me a few mornings a week or lunch on Sundays after church.
Welcome to The Widowed Collective Val, I'm Nicky the founder, thanks for kicking us off with introductions, we are a brand new site but new people are joining every hour! I'm also 5 years in to this club noone of us wanted to join, I'm sorry for your loss. Its good to hear you have family with you and close by that certainly helps doesn't it?
Members
- Dana
Anne Wake Anne WakeSally Lee Sally LeeWendy WendyRichard Parent Richard Parent
So sorry for your loss as all of us in the group understand how you feel as many don’t. It will be our 37th anniversary on 15th April and my darling was taken on 13 January 2026. I have joined a couple of clubs where you get to walk etc but not all the members really interested in your life as expected. I plod on as I have to. I have no family.
We used to travel a lot but now I have to think of doing this on my own which I will eventually. I am very lonely but take myself out every day just to get out of my home as without my husband it is just an empty place. You are lucky getting therapy as I’m still on the waiting list. I keep getting told how positive I am by doing what I do but deep down inside I just want to join my husband as I am completely lost without him.